woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
