Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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