Do you still have your period?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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