im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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