I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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