Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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