i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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