You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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