I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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