Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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