I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize