drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
