my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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