is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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