Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
