you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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