sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
