...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
