Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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