the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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