If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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