i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
