I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
