Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
