Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
