this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
