I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
