omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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