hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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