Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
