This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
