you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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