3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
