I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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