mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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