he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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