Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize