I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
