May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
