And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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