Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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