im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
