he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
