Someone shit on the floor
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
