remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
well you can't waste a boner
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
