My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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