my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
well you can't waste a boner
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
