I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
