I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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