Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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