If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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