Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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