Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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