She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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