It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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