dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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