finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
